My adventure in becoming a [Good] Mormon

A post by a friend on his FB reminded me of myself:

“Have you ever taken a good look at your friends, and tried to examine, objectively, exactly who they are? What about yourself? Perhaps you should.

One story I hear all the time is of the long-time friend who turns their back when some little thing occurs, and the disbelief that the other people involved are left with. I’m quite sure we all reassure ourselves everyday that we are good friends to those around us, and for the most part, most of the time, I’m sure that is true. Life, however, can blind you. Or it can make you simply forget to look. More than once, I have shown a startling capacity to destroy trust that has taken months or years to build. To make people shake their heads and seriously wonder if I’m all there. Well, after all of my efforts to divorce myself from the evils of stereotypical humanity, I am not now going to turn around and say, “it happens to the best of us, so I guess I don’t have to worry because I’m only human and we all make mistakes.” No, I must claim individual responsibility for these times. This did not occur because I am a human – an imperfect creation. It occurred because some part of me was so wound up in paranoid hysteria that I ceased to be able to function rationally. I can count three recent occurences of this, of varying magnitudes and durations. One actually lasted for over a year. Frightening, isn’t it? As for what happens now? Well, in terms of forgiveness, I can only expect what is offered, and nothing more. I do, however, have the utmost confidence in the resilience that my friends and family have shown in the past. They have been far more tolerant than I have deserved at times, and at such times I am reminded of how decent the people around me really are.

So why am I saying all of this? Well, it’s quite simple. I have shown some frighteningly fickle sides of my personality of late, and for no good reason other than that I allowed myself to be totally consumed by one central force, to the point where it clouded my judgement and inhibited any rational thought. I’ve found that it can be very surprising just how scary you can be if you’re not paying attention. If you’re not watching yourself closely for signs of stupidity and stubbornness and irrationality. Not to mention psychosis. The moment introspection is halted, you become a danger to your friends, your family and yourself, possibly in a far more serious way than you could imagine right now. As we have seen in these past few days, times are sketchy. We really have no idea what could happen next, and frankly, paranoia and hysteria are the last things that we need. Watch yourselves carefully. Don’t make the stupid, unnecessary mistakes that I did.

Over the past few days, human beings all over the place have amazed me yet again. Some for their harsh, hardened judgements, some for their capacity for sympathy and compassion. Others for their great capacity for evil. Still more for their spirit and determination, and yet more again for their shameless opportunism. And then there’s me. It’s always frightening to discover things about yourself that have been sitting under your nose all along, and yet have gone unnoticed for your entire life. I’m going to have to put a lot of work into knowing the extremities of my personality, and I urge you all to delve into your own. You never know what strange things you might find within, if you’re really honest with yourself.

To all those of you who have succeeded in impressing me lately, thank you. I needed it, more than you can know.”

While I have not recently broken the trust of anyone whom I hold dear, I came perilously close to destroying good friendships over the past 3 months or so. Paranoia is possibly the most unproductive, irrational,overwhelming state I end up in and it took something I consider drastic (ie: Telling someone(s) what is actually going on or has gone on in my life and asking for advice in those matters) and a huge test of trust to finally get over it. I’m surprised my friends didn’t say “Wow, you’re a bit of a whackjob” and left me alone. Perhaps this shows just how messed up I view myself as, because I was certainly not expecting them to 1)give logical advice and 2)tell me not to worry because they’d still be there for me. That was something that caused my levels of trust in them to skyrocket. However, I find the more I trust someone, the more I think I’m going to screw it up and end up alone….Which kind of starts the cycle all over again >.>…

I need to work on that.

Anyways, general conference was, as usual, awesome and I absolutely loved Pres. Uchtdorf’s talk…As usual :P.

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