My adventure in becoming a [Good] Mormon

Posts tagged ‘future plans’

The Future Soon

Friends in your life are like pillars on your porch. Sometimes they hold you up and sometimes they lean on you. Sometimes it’s just enough to know they’re standing by.
-Elizabeth Foley

The fact that the end of the beginning is so quickly approaching is both extraordinarily terrifying and exciting for me. I don’t want to leave and yet, there’s so many new and unknown things looming on the horizon that I am thrilled to be so close to experiencing them. However, all this is tinged with the bitter-sweetness of the possibility of loss and growth beyond what may be lost.

Not only is the loss just the idea of being outside my comfort zone in a completely foreign stage of my life and losing this stability, but it’s drifting away from all those I depend on. And not only is it that, but I will soon have to leave something I’m just getting to know; my Young Women’s group.  Which actually, really upsets me. Sometimes, I forget I’m actually 17 and when my eighteenth rolls around, as far as I understand, I’ll be released from being YW’s president.  And every time I think of this, it kind of gets me angry, and I ask myself, as one of my YW asks ‘Why didn’t you join sooner?’. And I know, you’re not supposed to beat yourself up over the past, but seriously, my excuses were extraordinarily lame.

They’ll judge me

I’ll be a loner and have no friends

I’ll offend everyone and they’ll be angry with me

I don’t want to wear skirts and act like a stereotypical woman and spend 3 hours crammed in a Church

I don’t want to talk about God

I don’t know what to do or how to act or anything

And it’s actually completely the opposite.

They’ve never judged me.

I have more friends than I could ask for.

I’ve only offended the missionaries and they handle that easily.

I love wearing skirts and I can still kick butt at Halo and learn to knit in the same day.

3 hours isn’t enough Church.

In the right situation it’s hard to get me to stop talking about God.

When in doubt; flail. Someone will eventually grab your hand and pull you up. (Usually my bestie does this well enough when I have no idea what’s going on XD)

And so, when I turn 18, I am going to have to flail exceptionally hard, because that’s going to bring in a whole different dimension to what I know in the Church and, at this point, I’m not sure if anyone will pull me up, because everyone is going on now.

Anyways, un-Church related future-stress:  I didn’t tell my friends this, but the reason I keep falling asleep in classes is because I’ve lost so much sleep from nightmares that I’ve been having for 2-3 weeks now. These nightmares mainly focus on losing/drifting away from my friends in various ways and that scares the bejebus out of me.

My main problem is, I suck at socializing. Sure, I will happily go up to someone I don’t know and start talking…If my friends are close by. If I’m on my own…Sorry, I’ve got no idea how to talk to anyone. Especially outside the Church. It’s easy to talk to people in the Church, because we all have at least one thing in common. But outside, I don’t know how to find common interests. Last time I tried that, they all walked off and then no one in that organization would talk to me because I was automatically deemed a loser.

Anyways, I tried to multitask and lost my train of thought, but it was a post by a friend that inspired it.

“But then I will win her back once again. I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her there. I will return her vineyards to her and transform the Valley of Trouble into a gateway of hope. She will give herself to me there, as she did long ago when she was young, when I freed her from her captivity in Egypt. When that day comes,” says the Lord, “you will call me ‘my husband’ instead of ‘my master.’ O Israel, I will wipe the many names of Baal from your lips, and you will never mention them again. On that day I will make a covenant with all the wild animals and the birds of the sky and the animals that scurry along the ground so they will not harm you. I will remove all weapons of war from the land, all swords and bows, so you can live unafraid in peace and safety. I will make you my wife forever, showing you righteousness and justice, unfailing love and compassion. I will be faithful to you and make you mine, and you will finally know me as the Lord.” – Hosea 2:14 -20

(Yes, it’s plain English. Copied from a friend’s FB, if you have an issue, go find it in your KJV and read from there)

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A rare moment of clarity

So, just had my last.ever.Christmas.concert.

I almost cried as we played the last notes of our final piece.

Anyways, sitting in the back of the theater with my friends, I realized something.

1)If I wasn’t in tech theater in gr 10, I would never have become close to the circle of friends that I’m with. There are so many great memories from Tech. Like sorting the makeup closet and Madison finding the breast pad, Hiding in the ‘tunnel’ for hours on end while gossiping and talking in dumb accents through the grate to people in the stairwell. Katherine, Tiff and I hiding behind the curtain as Madison asked Tyler out then having Tyler jump through it and scare the crap out of us. Squirting fake blood into someone’s eye (don’t do that. Detergent causes temporary blindness). The ‘scrim’. Doing *cough* ‘laundry’. Intestines. Ed the head. Raco Tackets. Madison’s mexican fiesta date outfit. The strangler and the giraffe. And that’s just a brief bit of it.

None of us wanted to be in Tech, it was our second choice for an option. But there we were. And it’s funny because Tiff and Madison thought I was butch and I thought Tiff would eat me if I said the wrong thing and that Katherine was practically a crazy ninja. Now, we’re all exceptionally close.

and 2) Sitting backstage, on the wall are tiles painted by past drama kids. There’s one that Says ‘Marni-Mormon Girl!!’ and I remembered that during the Christmas concert in grade 10, Corey spotted that and told me he knew her. Sitting there, I also realized that was kind of a coming-full-circle-moment. Because now, I can proudly say; I know Marni too. And she rocks ^^

Tech, to me, for many of my other friends, is kind of like what band means too. I don’t know really what I’m getting at now, I guess it was just a ‘Wow, look at how far we’ve all come and all we’ve gone through together and I can’t imagine what’s coming next, because all of this was completely unexpected.’ There has been so much awesome to take place these past few years, it would takes ages to write it all. I need a USB for my brain, so I can upload everything to FB and you can all see it. That’s why I wish I always had a video camera with me and why I now keep my camera with me almost 24/7

That’s about the only thing I didn’t plan for; New people I would encounter.

And all this thinking back, there really isn’t one thing I’d do differently. I thought recently that maybe I would redo the past month or so over if I could, but even then. It may be stressful, but there has been some good developments and the potential for more.

Ok!! I know how I am feeling!! Like that scene in ‘V for Vendetta’ where Finch is talking to his partner and he says “I suddenly had this feeling that everything was connected. It’s like I could see the whole thing, one long chain of events that stretched all the way back…I felt like I could see everything that happened, and everything that is going to happen. It was like a perfect pattern, laid out in front of me. And I realised we’re all part of it…”

Not that I can see the future or anything, but it’s kind of like I’m standing on the brink of something that is frakking epic and there’s so much potential for everything good that I’d have to actually try hard to make it suck.

Through all this philosophical wisdom, I just cooked bacon (for a potluck) and fries (for myself) at 10:30 pm. I should be in the shower, bed or, at least, studying. But this content-feeling with everything is too awesome.

It’s been a while since I can say I am truly happy, but tonight I am.

My french fries are tasty. But for some reason I’m drinking milk too, very odd.

Sweden jajaja!!

Best friend rights were invoked today and they sounded way more cool than if I were to invoke my rights so in about 5 years or so, I’ll be going to Sweden for uni :D.

Only problem, I get very homesick, more so missing my friends though, because I see them more than all of my family (not saying I won’t miss them!). But I should be ok, seeing as my best friend will be there too.

This also means that on my days off, I can go do some travelling (and like it or not, best friend is coming too *hint hint*. You drag me to Sweden, you get to come exploring!!). I wonder how easy it is to travel between European countries? Maybe I could take a week trip to France or something.

Before I wasn’t looking forward to the end of high school, but a change this radical is fantastically exciting!

Live long & prosper!!♥

Mass confusion

From my facebook: Realized 1) my problem. I’m expecting the currently impossible and it just ends up hurting me and could possibly hurt other things/a person or two.I need to chill and go with the flow 2)I have too many good choices for after high school….Travelling? Mission?Uni? But if I go, I may miss my chance to have the currently impossible occur :/…Too many decisions and variables. I’m faced with a big question that only I can decide. Maybe I’ll just work for a year or two and let things play out, then decide. My mom says plan for this year, but even this year is too unpredictable >.>.