Generally, these are the type of posts where a)I feel completely random and have thoughts moshing about in my brain or b)I have the desire to emulate Leonard Cohen or Yoda in an odd way. I have posted 3 posts such as this but I deleted them all because this is the type of oddity that fills my journal and I feel it makes me almost as vulnerable as expressing what I am actually thinking in Church/Seminary/While reading scriptures, etc.
Let’s start there: vulnerability for me is actually a very odd-in-my-view but most-likely-normal-to-the-masses topic. I like to think that that I have, over the years, gone from the sensitive little Cass I was in elementary to a figurative Helm’s Deep. However, I’ve found the place where the orcs can stick the gunpowder: my spiritual ideas/thoughts. I was thinking about this during Seminary. I don’t like to openly say what I believe or my ideas on a topic within my religion. In fact, I’m slightly scared of it. Mainly because I’m worried someone will say something against what I think, I’ll feel stupid and I’ll begin to slowly lose my faith. This has happened with other things before but the ironic part is, I know it’ll never happen where my religion is concerned. Yet I’m still scared.
I guess it’s like bungee jumping in a way.
I’ll elaborate; the rope…Or in this case, my faith, will keep me safe. But it’s still terrifying. But add some crocodiles (AKA people who will shoot holes through some things, or at least try to) and now I really don’t want to jump.
We already know I don’t like to share my testimony, but apparently, according to ‘Preach my Gospel’ and some scripture from Doctrine & Covenants, I’m being selfish. Which, with further thinking, I have to say I agree with. Hearing testimonies is one of the many things that 1)helps build my faith and 2) provokes my thinking on topics. The idea of helping others do this is wonderful…But I am a selfish Cass and scared to share.
My mom is now listening to an asian TV station, very amusing.
I want bubble tea.
I found this great D&C scripture today that’s related to this…Hang on…
Haha, that’s really ironic. I found this scripture before I had the question, then had the question and re-stumbled upon it when I needed it :D.
Oh my gosh, facebook ads reading my mind=happy Cass. http://www.livingscriptures.com/
Anyways: 11:21 “Seek not to adeclare my word, but first seek to bobtain my cword, and then shall your tongue be loosed; then, if you desire, you shall have my dSpirit and my word, yea, the power of God unto the econvincing of men.”
Which, for an impatient Cass, is a relatively annoying, but good answer nonetheless. I want to speak now. But I don’t know what to say, or how to, or if I’m right doctrine-wise. And what if I’m up at the pulpit then I say I believe something, thinking it’s doctrine, but my interpretation was skewed and then BAM! The Bishop tackles me or uses an ex-communication ray on me or something because I’m believing false doctrine.
Yes, that’s illogical to think, but I’m still scared of it.
Here’s another good bit, same chapter, verses 15-17:
“Behold, I command you that you need not suppose that you are acalled to bpreach cuntil you are called.
Wait a little longer, until you shall have my word, my arock, my bchurch, and my gospel, that you may know of a surety my doctrine
And then, behold, according to your desires, yea, even according to your afaith shall it be done unto you.”
So I dunno. I’m sure I’ll get to a point where I can speak openly and be sure of what I’m saying. But I’m just impatient :P.
Now I really need to go to bed.
Live long & Prosper!!♥
Edit:Cute quote again: I love you from the bottom of my butt, because it’s bigger than my heart!