My adventure in becoming a [Good] Mormon

Posts tagged ‘thought dump’

On jellybeans

I think I’ve got it figured.

I misjudged it all.

I suppose it’s easy to do that though. Someone who means so much to you can easily be elevated to something much higher, if there is nothing to compare it to so you can be certain.

I’m not certain of anything anymore though. Well, except one thing. Friendship has a greater value placed on it than anything, because, so far, it is the only certain thing and it stands up to everything. And I like that the most. Because it seems I tried real hard to screw it up and wasn’t successful at all.

I realize now if this had been finished with a while back, I wouldn’t have wasted a lot of thought time. But it was probably good for me in some way.  But all that energy that was previously used for all that is now undesignated, where do I put it?

I suppose the logical and best answer is God. But whether or not I actually put that into action remains unseen. It should work out though, in time.

This state I’m in though seems quite foreign, I’m not sure what to do with it. And apparently, before I was oblivious to everything around me and other’s actions towards me. Now I’ve started to take notice. What does one do with those also? Cause one part of me is saying ‘Go for it, you never have any fun where this is concerned anyways.” and the other is saying ‘Well, it won’t really matter, so why bother wasting more thought power on something like this?’ Permayhaps I am too serious…Or picky. Or permayhaps I am logical.

There is one jellybean in these few that I keep taking that tastes freaking amazing, but I can’t pin-point it.

LOL, what a metaphor.

I will find you, my jellybean. >:D

Bleck…That jellybean tasted like dirt XD

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A rare moment of clarity

So, just had my last.ever.Christmas.concert.

I almost cried as we played the last notes of our final piece.

Anyways, sitting in the back of the theater with my friends, I realized something.

1)If I wasn’t in tech theater in gr 10, I would never have become close to the circle of friends that I’m with. There are so many great memories from Tech. Like sorting the makeup closet and Madison finding the breast pad, Hiding in the ‘tunnel’ for hours on end while gossiping and talking in dumb accents through the grate to people in the stairwell. Katherine, Tiff and I hiding behind the curtain as Madison asked Tyler out then having Tyler jump through it and scare the crap out of us. Squirting fake blood into someone’s eye (don’t do that. Detergent causes temporary blindness). The ‘scrim’. Doing *cough* ‘laundry’. Intestines. Ed the head. Raco Tackets. Madison’s mexican fiesta date outfit. The strangler and the giraffe. And that’s just a brief bit of it.

None of us wanted to be in Tech, it was our second choice for an option. But there we were. And it’s funny because Tiff and Madison thought I was butch and I thought Tiff would eat me if I said the wrong thing and that Katherine was practically a crazy ninja. Now, we’re all exceptionally close.

and 2) Sitting backstage, on the wall are tiles painted by past drama kids. There’s one that Says ‘Marni-Mormon Girl!!’ and I remembered that during the Christmas concert in grade 10, Corey spotted that and told me he knew her. Sitting there, I also realized that was kind of a coming-full-circle-moment. Because now, I can proudly say; I know Marni too. And she rocks ^^

Tech, to me, for many of my other friends, is kind of like what band means too. I don’t know really what I’m getting at now, I guess it was just a ‘Wow, look at how far we’ve all come and all we’ve gone through together and I can’t imagine what’s coming next, because all of this was completely unexpected.’ There has been so much awesome to take place these past few years, it would takes ages to write it all. I need a USB for my brain, so I can upload everything to FB and you can all see it. That’s why I wish I always had a video camera with me and why I now keep my camera with me almost 24/7

That’s about the only thing I didn’t plan for; New people I would encounter.

And all this thinking back, there really isn’t one thing I’d do differently. I thought recently that maybe I would redo the past month or so over if I could, but even then. It may be stressful, but there has been some good developments and the potential for more.

Ok!! I know how I am feeling!! Like that scene in ‘V for Vendetta’ where Finch is talking to his partner and he says “I suddenly had this feeling that everything was connected. It’s like I could see the whole thing, one long chain of events that stretched all the way back…I felt like I could see everything that happened, and everything that is going to happen. It was like a perfect pattern, laid out in front of me. And I realised we’re all part of it…”

Not that I can see the future or anything, but it’s kind of like I’m standing on the brink of something that is frakking epic and there’s so much potential for everything good that I’d have to actually try hard to make it suck.

Through all this philosophical wisdom, I just cooked bacon (for a potluck) and fries (for myself) at 10:30 pm. I should be in the shower, bed or, at least, studying. But this content-feeling with everything is too awesome.

It’s been a while since I can say I am truly happy, but tonight I am.

My french fries are tasty. But for some reason I’m drinking milk too, very odd.

*headaches*

I seem to have a knack for screwing everything up as of late. If it’s not with my friends, it’s with my family, or lack thereof.

This whole year actually has been nothing but stress. Tis not good.

I think my expectations are too high. Both for my life and others.

I really have to work on just planning for myself and not for other people who could possibly be involved in my future life.

Or maybe just not getting upset so easily.

Sunday thoughts

Never give up

Never let go

Hold on

If it’s real

It’s forever.

 

If You Truely Love Someone

Don’t Push Them Away

Because they might Decide Not to Stay

 

being around you

i just laugh

looking at you

i just smile

because being with you

just makes me happy

 

all i know is that

when i’m with you,

everything feels like

it’s gonna be okay.

 

it’s weird how you say that you hate the boy who broke your heart,yet when he runs back to you, your arms are w.i.d.e open.

 

If you & i aren’t meant to be together, then I don’t know anything

 

i love how i can be a total dork around you

& you still make me feel absolutely amazing

 

most girls say they want a fairy tale :: but you taught me

that it’s not really what I want I want someone who will

make fun of me && laugh at my jokes even if they aren’t

funny ;; && someone that wrestles with me and doesn’t

let me win just because I’m a girl : yeah … riding off into

the sunset on a white horse would be nice ;; but playing

thumb war with you seems much better

 

high school changes people. some for the better,

some for the worst. but if one thing is true; you

find out who your real friends are.

 

&&afterawhile

you realize that you cant make everyone happy

&& you have too decide what you truly want

a n d m a k e i t h a p p e n

 

life’s challenges are not supposed to paralyze you,

they’re supposed to help you discover who you are

and maybe it’s not about worrying what’s down the road

or where we will end up.

maybe it’s enjoying where you are right now

 

they say school is supposed to educate you

..well, to be honest, the only thing i learned

was how to pretend like nothing’s wrong.

Same source. This is my favorite so far.

I gave my testimony today. I have noooo clue about most of what I said. I do know I tried to talk fast at one part because I felt like I was gonna cry. And the rest, I just kept looking at one of my home teachers and tried to pretend I was bearing my testimony to him, it helped me stay a lot calmer.

The Elder who gave his testimony after me reminds me of Dr.bashir from Star Trek. 

I watched the Christmas devotional tonight, very nice. That’s the first time I’ve done something religiously related for Christmas. I’m excited this year for Christmas, it means a lot more to me now. Before, I acknowledged it was Jesus’ birthday, but this time, I think it’s gonna bear a lot more weight with me this time.

My hopeless romantic side is showing

I’ve decided I want to find someone and have something like all that stuff in those novels about revolutions.

Let me elaborate: Those couples in those fiction tales about revolutions that are running from the law, or they’re defying something yet they’re always together. They never leave one another, for anything.  That’s like…Uh…Bonnie & Clyde isn’t it? Something I never bothered to look up. Too far before me.

Yeah, I’m not gonna start a revolution. Maybe I am, it seems I’m inherently defiant on a few things. That’s beside the point, but I want to find someone who, for example, when walking in a grocery store, we bump something over, then run away pretending we didn’t do it, holding hands and giggling like little kids. That’s just an image I have in my head.

Or we’ll have light saber battles in toys r’ us and get kicked out.

This ideal person has to be willing to jump in puddles with me on our wedding night.

Yeah, I want to get married during a Summer thunderstorm. You aren’t going to know the date of my wedding until the weatherman predicts it.

I want them to spontaneously kiss me when we have arguments and tell me I should just hush up and stop being so stubborn.

And the ever present requirement: They have to come star gazing with me.

Super nintendo matches are a must.

We are the best coop team Halo has ever seen.

They gotta let me drag them out on hikes. They don’t have to like it, they just gotta come with. And climb things. And hike off the trail. And protect me from bears. And stand on cliffs and scream till our throats hurt.

Be the giver of really good hugs. What is the definition of a good hug? When I am grumpy, you give me one. When I get frustrated and try to squirm away, you don’t let me. No tickling and please only squash me on occasion, not every time.

Naturally good smelling. I’ve found a few people like that. Not saying who, they’ll think I’m creepy. There is no way to tell this except just let me sniff you. Most people smell good naturally though, I’ve found.

Riding roller coasters a million times is normal. Or any ride.

You are never too old for the strawberries, teacups or carousel.

Hold my hand on the drop of doom. I am actually quite scared of it.

Dance, even though you probably feel like a fool, I do too. It’s ok, it’s cute.

I’ve decided I have few to no physical requirements. I don’t want to be judged on that, so I won’t judge you by that.

I’m too Mormon for my own good. I just bit a chocolate, tasted rum, screamed ‘BLASPHEMY!!!’ and spat it out. Twas funny. Waste of chocolate though.

This was the product of staring at a wall listening to ‘Rainy day’ by Coldplay.

Teeheehee ^_^

Ok, that was officially the most awesome fireside I’ve ever been to.

Was it here I posted about my goal to make a new friend? Well, that was for a good friend, as in one who I just go and hang with. I did just make a new friend, at the fireside, and she is delightful.

I haven’t laughed that hard in a long time. Sometimes, I forget how good it is to laugh so hard I nearly fall over.

New goal: Next week, I’m gonna go up and bear my testimony. It’s the last thing in my mind that is the stereotypical foundation for being a Mormon. I can’t outline them all, but there are certain things that define the basics of practicing Mormonism for me and that is pretty much the last one I gotta do, in my opinion…

This whole Sunday just lifted me out of my recently crappy mood. Kinda like how Sundays used to, when I was converting. They’re still awesome, but something was always underneath it all.

“We all die. The goal isn’t to live forever. The goal is to create something that will.”

I don’t know what it is about you. Maybe it’s the way nothing else matters when we’re talking, or how you make me smile more than anyone else has. It could be the way you say the right thing at the right time. But whatever it is, I just want you to know that it means everything to me.”

“love isn’t always going to be perfect. it’s not a fairytale or a storybook. and it doesn’t always come easy. love is overcoming obstacles, facing challenges, fighting to be together, holding on and never letting go. it’s a short word, easy to spell, difficult to define, and impossible to live without. love is accepting all the complexities and simplicities. love is work, but most of all, love is realizing that every hour, every minute, and every second was worth it because you dideverything together.”

And this one especially means something to me: “Accept what you can’t change; change what you can. If you’re tired of your life,do something about it. Date more, date less, find a lover, get in a relationship, go snorkeling- stop waiting for life to happen.”

Maybe I will go snorkeling…Or something. I went scuba diving once. Men in wet suits disturb me 0.o….

This is from the usual source, but I’m only picking the ones I really like.

I am in way too good of a mood than I really have any right to be.

Actually, no. I have every right to be this happy. Lately, I’ve been too craptastic. I want happy Cass back. Here she is and she is staying now. Even if I have to chain her up.

Maybe I’ll go meditate. That kinda seals in the happiness. Like those ziploc freezer bags ‘seals in the freshness!!’

Wow, I am crazy tonight. I need someone to blabber on to about how everything is awesome.

A rantful thought dump

Bristol Palin.

Or all the Palins in general.

She’s pregnant at what, 17? And she’s Mormon and her mom is senator of Alaska. Big whoop. Now she’s famous? I find that exceptionally sad. What kind of image does that send to the youth of today? ‘Oh get pregnant ASAP!! Soon as you do, people will hate on you for a bit but then you’ll be famous and entertainment talk shows will have a whole feature on you!!”

That is just frakking disgusting. There should be laws on who’s famous and who isn’t, that way there will actually be something mildly decent to hear about on tv talk shows, maybe about people with actual talent. I don’t think the majority of my generation knows the meaning of that word today.

Or we should be like Britain: Yeah, you can talk about celebs, but you don’t need info on every minor detail of their lives.

Sorry, but what passes for celebrities nowadays enrages me. People like Nimoy would be looked over. Why? Because people like him don’t have washboard abs or ‘perfect’ features…But people like him actually have talent.

I say bring back the silent movie era, that’s the real test of acting ability. Anyone who can survive that deserves to stay.

Back to the Palins; What sucks about that whole situation? They’re Mormon and because of that, people will look at them and think ‘Oh! This is how ALL Mormons are!!’. Granted, we’re not perfect, but we’ve got enough crap to try and ward off that people assume about us, we don’t need any more.

I’ve got social to do now, nighty night.